HOT WIDOWED MESS
Welcome to Hot Widowed Mess with your host, Heather! This podcast is dedicated to normalizing grief and embracing the wild ride of being a young widow. Join Heather as she explores the unfiltered realities of loss and healing, sprinkled with dark humor and candid discussions. She’ll shine a light on the unexpected challenges and experiences no one talks about, all while raising awareness about the importance of mental health during difficult times. Expect explicit content and raw honesty as we navigate this journey together. Let’s break the stigma and share our stories!
HOT WIDOWED MESS
The Messy Middle of Moving On
Laura and Heather bring together their individual podcasts "Welcome to the Wild" and "Hot Widowed Mess" for an unfiltered conversation about navigating relationships after significant life changes.
• Communication is essential in relationships, especially during disagreements
• Fighting fair means avoiding name-calling and focusing on the relationship, not just winning arguments
• Past trauma can trigger worst-case scenario thinking in new relationships
• Setting boundaries is necessary for protecting yourself while still being open to connection
• Red flags in dating include love bombing, lack of reciprocity, and inability to respect personal space
• Finding balance between giving chances and knowing when to walk away
• The importance of maintaining your own identity and interests within relationships
• Dating as parents creates unique challenges around timing and introducing children
Life after loss or divorce doesn't follow a predictable path, but building resilience means taking relationships at your own pace and honoring your needs along the way.
welcome to the first ever tandem podcast. I'm one of your hosts. Heather I'm another host. Are you the? Are you the front host or the back?
Speaker 2:host. You know right, you know what I'm. Just I have questions. I try to be be bendy.
Speaker 1:I can go either way. I'm Laura, it's girl.
Speaker 2:We'll just try to add that in there quickly, but because your podcast is called Hot Widowed Mess and mine is, welcome to the Wild.
Speaker 1:And now we're colliding them because the two have converged, they have converged, we're converged, and now we're tandem Yep Going either or back. That was like this reminds me of the other day in class I was teaching and I actually said it today, but no one laughed and that was good because I don't think anyone.
Speaker 1:Well, no, this was good, because I'm like bend over and I meant like hinge at the waist and I'm like bend over and I'm like, well, maybe I shouldn't say that aggressive bend over. Right then I started a lot, yeah is that forward fold two or something?
Speaker 2:yeah, this is in strength, though, so it was like I was trying to cue them to like bent over row.
Speaker 1:So I was like bend over and then I met a hinge at the waist just relax. It's fine, bend over just go for it, just bend over and row.
Speaker 2:Yep, bend over and row.
Speaker 1:That is amazing oh, one time I said, um, like you're fisting your ass or fisting your butt, right, fisting your butt. I didn't say ass, fisting your butt, and I meant squeeze your glute like a fist, but for some reason I said fisting your butt, cheek. Or maybe I said butt.
Speaker 2:I think I said but I'm going through some real estate training and then we were talking about breaking bread or like a face-to-face meeting. So then of course my brain puts it in a scramble machine whatever fries it on up and I break face. Oh, I do that, I like that though You're breaking bread or you're going face-to-face and I'm like so I can break face. What Whoops?
Speaker 1:It happens. I do that all the time teaching. I think it's like once you start getting tired, your brain just starts shooting things out Yep, and we don't have a lot of filter, so there's not a lot for it to like catch when it flies out Right when you've had like.
Speaker 2:Already, seven different scenarios go through your head.
Speaker 1:In the first place, you actually have more filters than I do a pr major.
Speaker 2:Okay, I just need to like, and I worked for the news for a little bit, okay, so I had to be always available for public consumption. I like to put it that way.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm learning that maybe my my, like you know, really gruff. I'm like, I'm just very assertive and I I don't beat around the bush, I don't do that um, but you also don't just play with people.
Speaker 2:To like it's you make them comfortable and you're personable, but then people are to like it's you make them comfortable and you're personable, but then people are scared, like the general populace is scared of people like us. We do that. Yes, they're like, oh my gosh, they're out to eat my soul. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:It's just to filter out the crap.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I'm getting warm again. Remember that like boob sweat thing we talked about our listeners.
Speaker 2:Really, you're gonna know me very personally.
Speaker 1:I so great I get ink okay. So it's no secret I have anxiety. It's been really bad lately, I don't know I've been trying to like not do, let me get some more xanax I don't think I can like. You know really spot treating is like but um, do you have another ketamine booster coming up? Besides that anxiety's been really bad. So the anxiety sweat, I get it in the boobs. It's so weird, my armpits will not sweat, but the underboob sweat.
Speaker 2:And then with the whole like, well, your arms move more than your boobs do. Yes, and it's only notice it though.
Speaker 1:Well, but it's like just a stress response, yes, and it comes instantly, like if I have a panic attack. It's like drench under boob is that weird.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I want to see it. It'll happen. That's horrible. I'm like a party trick it's a party trick.
Speaker 1:Oh, or maybe you're just gonna wear a really good absorbent bra is there under boob pads, I wonder.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna google this really quick. This might actually be a really great idea, I think.
Speaker 1:Oh, I sent you that one thing that I saw earlier on instagram. I'm like what the hell? Okay, this is a dating, this is a tandem podcast, so it's dating slash, grief, slash. I'm gonna share some things. So, anyways, dating world. What did we see earlier? Share with them what I sent you. Which one did the advertisement?
Speaker 2:this was. It was a, it was. I didn't really want to look too closely. I was like, what is this? Like a tampon something.
Speaker 1:It was like the weirdest thing. It was like for cleanup after, like you, I'm like there's, it's called a dipstick. Yeah, I was like what so gross? Since when is this like? I don't know. I was very like I had never seen anything like that. I'm like huh someone's getting inventive.
Speaker 2:What is heather making me look at? So if there's not an under boob thing, I'm gonna be very disappointed we just need to invent it under boob, which we're gonna patent it, so nobody else do it. Now someone else is gonna create it, because we talked about it no, we'll jump on it right now.
Speaker 1:We're gonna patent for it.
Speaker 2:Don't even try I just lie, but it's fine, I know, see. You see things with great authority and people get scared um sweat pads for under breasts.
Speaker 1:Well, they're right there. We lost out on it. I mean, it's there, it's that's so interesting they look like a mustache what would you do? Well, I mean, I guess if a guy you're like, hold on, I gotta like remove my sweat pads, okay, I don't like okay, stress responds just a little bit, it's a okay. So maybe my underarms do sweat too and I don't know, but it just seems okay, we're getting really off we're fantastic, we are called the sacking but that's fine expression, I like, I mean, I like it so yeah, so what are we talking about right now?
Speaker 2:what's our, what's the point of this?
Speaker 1:oh, our intro. We didn't quite finish that yet.
Speaker 2:I know um we're just entertaining so much.
Speaker 1:It really is us together, the energies I mean resiliency and moving on really more. I think like we should maybe educate and do a little public service, like how to exit a relationship as an appropriate adult, a mature adult, human Right, because really breakups happen for a number of reasons. Yeah, and you're allowed to do that because you're an adult, right.
Speaker 2:And yeah, we're not parents of the people that we're dating, so it's like unconditional love is not like you don't get to just treat people well, and you can love somebody and not talk to them, like you can have love for a person but know that it's not going to be an intimate relationship and just let them live and you have to have more than just love.
Speaker 1:You can love a person, but you need respect, yeah, stability, emotional support and knowing that you're safe.
Speaker 2:Well, and the reciprocity of it, like for you both to be safe yes like yes, there you know, you can have a masculine feminine role, but at the same time, if you don't reciprocate, what's the point like then? Why are you both in it, right and it? You know, you just kind of show that love in different ways. So I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, finding your person's light or you know how to do that. You know that's part of being in a relationship. You figure your person out and one thing like I don't know, I've kind of realized it's like no one's perfect and I think this day and age, everyone thinks that relationships have to be perfect and honestly honestly, they're not. You're going to fight. How people fight is a huge indicator for so when those that's like I don't know, that's a huge one for me fighting fair.
Speaker 1:You have to be able to communicate your needs without being manipulative and passive and blindsiding people gaslight it's, so you don't have to call them names like you have to be able.
Speaker 2:If you're not fighting for the relationship and you're just fighting, that's not love, like I don't point right, and why would you do that to the person?
Speaker 1:why? Why do you have to go low like why do you have to say things you can't take back?
Speaker 2:well, it's like they and I'm not perfect, you know. I know I've not fought in fair before. No for sure.
Speaker 1:Like back but yeah, exactly, but it's like that comes from a place of like hurt yeah once like they start getting thrown at you. It's kind of hard not to like. Maybe say things back.
Speaker 2:I don't know right, well, you want to defend yourself and that that can be part of the, the reciprocity I mean to be reciprocating of it. It's like oh well, then you're gonna be that mean to me, I'm gonna be that mean to you, and at that point when you're like you've lost all your a lot of the coping skills, in that moment where you feel like you're being attacked, then why not throw it back? Because it's like fighting fire with fire. Yeah.
Speaker 1:There's a part in Gabby's book Happy Days we were just talking about this that I want. I'm just finishing it and she talks about our exiled parts. Right, the parts are our exiles.
Speaker 1:So the parts that come up and react, that are protecting a part of us, so like hers was her you know younger self, her like inner child, so like she would get really angry and rage certain things and then she just like would stop and take a look at why is this exile coming? Why is this coming up for me? What is it protecting? I guess it's protector, oh so well. Yeah, protect me, it's a protector yeah, and then yeah, so it's protector. What is it like?
Speaker 2:what is it actually trying to protect? Yes, yeah like what hurt, whatever right like why?
Speaker 1:because you're, I don't mean like I'm very, what does she list? I'm gonna grab it. Um, I've always been very reactive Not so much, I mean, I'm really been working on it, but that was something like earlier on, and that's because it's just easier to push away. I'm like I'm just yeah, I'm very much like that. I'm like cut it off, be done. Yeah, I'm also very good at knowing when things like I will forgive and forgive and forgive, and then it's like there's some lines once you just cross them, it's like right now, no.
Speaker 2:And that makes it easier to move on from someone when they're just a raging Exactly Well, and that's where, like, I'm very, very forgiving too, I like to give people the benefit of doubt everything, because I want that as well. I'm not going to be perfect, I'm not going to be able to figure it out all the time, and, you know, sometimes I'm going to be tired, I'm going to be the one who kind of needs a little bit more of that help, but it can't be one sided.
Speaker 1:But then, like we're both, I think, really good at communication. I'd like to think so. I mean at least least trying like communicating your needs effectively. Like your partner, can't like read your mind no like or would I want them to no right like no, I want some things ourselves um although I do like regurgitate I think, every thought that comes out of my mind most of the time, right, um, just like I don't know communication. I've had really great communication and then not great communication before sometimes in the same relationship, right, but it's like that makes all the difference.
Speaker 1:Because when you think everything is yeah, that it just you have to and you can't, like I don't know, I experienced something I'd never experienced before, like um, when I was trying to, like I, when you're trying to discuss something and then it's like, oh well, 12 tuesdays ago at five o'clock, you did this right and that bugged me. I'm like what's that me? If you did something right then and there I'm gonna go, why'd you do that?
Speaker 2:well, I'm the weird opposite side like there's sometimes. I have to think about it a little bit and I have to like let it settle, because normally I'll say something depends on what situation it is.
Speaker 1:It's like someone. It depends if it's like a business type of thing where I need to like, or it's like a very personal relationship where I'm just going to like ask questions, because for me I guess I maybe, see, I'm too direct, see, maybe I'm just too direct, I wouldn't see too anything Like if you're too much for somebody, then go find less.
Speaker 2:Seriously right Go find less?
Speaker 1:No, it's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, seriously right, go find less. No, it's true, I yeah, but I know that when I start asking about those things, it's something I could have just let go anyway, like, and that's where, like realizing that in myself, of going, oh my gosh, why am I worried? Like all of everything else is fine. And this one time I question it what's happening Like kind of get over yourself, laura? I question it what's happening Like kind of get over yourself, laura? And so then I do so. It's not an easy process, but it's something I'm definitely working on, because, really, what's the point? I'm just going to drive myself crazy, I'm going to overthink it. You know, be anxious, depressed, blah for no reason.
Speaker 1:So, coming from trauma, our brains are like wired to go to the worst case scenario. Oh yeah, because normal people I don't want to say normal, but people that have, like, a normal brain that has not experienced any sort of trauma, and trauma can be lots of different kinds. If you don't like, you don't have, your brain doesn't go to that Right. So, like as a child, you didn't think about all the horrible scenarios that could happen Me. Now little thing goes wrong. I jump from a to z very quickly in a logical. I'm going to, step by step, lay out to you all the ways that it's going to go wrong. Yep, and they're plausible. Like it's very, but probably not ever going to happen, but it just does that.
Speaker 2:So having to like retrain yourself to be like okay, that's like a lot of like, and let that guard down, like let's slow down, like that's been one of my things of just being able to slow down going through something like don't worry, it's not, we don't have to jump to the end right now.
Speaker 1:It doesn't have to be like I need to learn some more of that, okay hold on I I don't like. Yeah, I'm working on that one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm like I'm gonna take some notes on that one, because we also know that if we you and I, I know we're similar like this if we stay busy and productive, then the bad things can't happen oh my gosh, this is a thing that, um, my therapist asked me.
Speaker 1:She goes heather. Do you think you stay busy as a way to escape from your feelings? And I'm like sorry no, and then I think I got sweat, I got sweaty boo when she started saying that. So I'm like sure, and she's like I'm trying to hide, but I'm on zoom because I'm not sure what I think I'm doing. And then I start fidgeting and she's like you know, yeah, I do that, yeah, and it's also like a dissociate from yourself, like everything, like as moms or two. We just always are doing something.
Speaker 2:I don't think we really will have time to tune in way to be busy, because I've got soccer practice and then there's baseball games and then there's trying to figure out dinner, and then laundry, and then, okay, whose birthday party is it? Who's gonna go be at whose friends houses, you know like what's going on. It's like, okay, that's what. I'm trying to fit your personal life in there too and then your friends well, and that's what's so weird, like having that that time to myself.
Speaker 2:I then I work more. That's when I work like what?
Speaker 1:because work is kind of an escape it is an escape. I remember going back when I was at the salon I was like, oh, this is kind of nice that there's no, because even working at home I'm still tied to child. Absolutely I want my milk, like you know you.
Speaker 2:Just, you just got some of that I'm like I forgot what it's like to have a little one yelling at me because they don't really care that you're like I'm doing something on my phone.
Speaker 1:You know like I'm just working. Let me just finish this one thing. It's like it's like being a receptionist all over again in my early like 18, like you're trying to do something. I remember I was like lead tracker for marketing and I also had to do front desk stuff, and so it was like trying to concentrate and that was like preparing me for having children.
Speaker 2:I remember I would get so like.
Speaker 1:I can't concentrate on this if I have to do all this every five seconds, so absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Well, and even like with my kids now, you know, being 14 and well, 12, tomorrow I'll be on my phone and they're like oh, they think I'm just playing a game, yeah because that's what they do and I'm like no or I read email, if I'm reading something that I need just because it's on your phone or a tablet, they associate it with Yep, just tick, tock or something like that.
Speaker 1:Well, Lily does anyways.
Speaker 2:I don't know about yours, but they, yeah, it's just they just think I'm on Instagram or something, which sometimes that is for work?
Speaker 1:Yes, no, exactly. Actually, you have to make connections and network and talk to people and also see what's going on in the marketing, the market for housing and what people are. You just have to to. Yes, real estate is actually very social absolutely.
Speaker 2:It is wild, like even. And now that the events are opening back up, oh, my goodness, it's great. It's great, but it's busy. Yeah, like it's gonna just start being a bunch of stuff happening all the time, like I'm just even thinking of my schedule in june. Um, it's gonna be nuts, but so, um, for stand up comedy, I'm gonna working on a show for the 10th, but I'm the 18th and 19th. I'm, as I have a lisp now 18th and 19th, I'm gonna be on the dope show in tacoma and in spokane oh, I want to go to spokane one.
Speaker 1:When is it?
Speaker 2:The 19th of June, it's on Father's Day, oh.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be in Eugene the kids are filming for we're doing Warrior Strength and Cardio Countdown for kids. Darn it, but the next one I know. See, I'm busy with all that stuff traveling around, which is amazing, and concerts and things planted in between. And it's the summer, like the summer concert series, all of that stuff like trying to juggle all of those things have a life, be a parent and navigate the waters of dating.
Speaker 1:The waters of dating. I, I think I'm just gonna call like a break. Nope, I'm just like done for a while. Yeah, that's a tough one.
Speaker 2:I really I feel like that's my, yeah, that's my path for a while I'm just trying to let my guard down enough that I can let people be close I am not letting anyone close no, I know you're not, I've tested that fuck no right, it's like you're putting yourself in time out. Yeah, like yeah, no, yeah, you fucked up twice. Like you're putting yourself in timeout. Yeah, like yeah, no yeah.
Speaker 1:You fucked up twice. You're done.
Speaker 2:No, no, no no, well, and it's tough because to try to let somebody in your life and have it not work out, it's like it, just it. You start to miss, like, not trust yourself, and that sucks yeah. At least as far as I was concerned.
Speaker 1:I yeah, at least as far as I was concerned. I mean, I just don't trust. I just don't trust other people. I just feel like it's such a lie, like I don't understand the concept of and, because I was married for so long, like we just didn't lie to each other, like I don't know, that's just not a thing well, you don't have the energy to do it.
Speaker 1:I think that's just my number one pet peeve is liars like lying I think, it's so pointless, um, that it just that triggers me in so many ways and maybe I need to figure that out, but like that's the easiest way for me to never trust you again. Like once that initially happens, I don't know if I can ever really go. It takes a lot, yeah, and usually there's more lies that come after that one and it's a snowball effect and then it's just like, everything hits the fan becomes a total landslide and then it should be like baby steps.
Speaker 2:Because you're, it's tiny, kept promises that even build a relationship, yeah, and the lie breaks that down like so that resiliency like to even go back to okay. I need to be able to trust myself again like, oh my gosh yeah, I do not trust myself to be around.
Speaker 1:I don't. It's just like I don't know, not spokane either, and you have to be around. I don't. It's just like I don't know, not Spokane either, and you have to be like, okay, I'm putting a new age limit. What's the new age limit that we're going to set for me? Fucking, not anything lower than 35. Correct, I think that's a great idea. 36, excuse me.
Speaker 2:There you go, 36. Should I go?
Speaker 1:40?, just never.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know. Good luck with that.
Speaker 1:I want to say never and then realistically that's just not right. But like I want to travel, I want to do things on my own. I was married forever, I have kids, like I have the ability right now to travel and I have all these things set up. With warrior, we're doing a warrior tour. So where your strength, where your rhythm? Traveling around, idea, all the fit cons. We going to virginia, vegas, dallas, chicago, that's awesome boston.
Speaker 2:It's gonna be so fun.
Speaker 1:Yes and then we're gonna go to mexico. We're planning this I have got to go to mexico where so should we do cancun or do you want to cabo? Should we do a 21 or is it 18 and older? I think we should do an adult only yeah and then we share a room, I think that room and we're sharing like and one bed, please, yeah we're good with it, it's fine yes, uh, I'll be so fun.
Speaker 1:We're doing it. I think for fourth of july my kids will be at camp woodward, so I'll just like we'll just go hop on over to like drop them off at cheer camp in california and then just head on down to mexico.
Speaker 2:Like how many days are we gonna go, like for a week I?
Speaker 1:love it like a week and we're just gonna sit in the sun and the sand and have people, just bring us drinks and food, it'll be wonderful yes oh, it's like, yes, we're doing it. I. I think it sounds great. I have it on my phone. I was pulling that up, we've been doing a lot of things since we saw each other today.
Speaker 2:I know it's been so good. We haven't seen it. It feels like forever.
Speaker 1:Forever, because I was like surgery Florida. Oh gosh, I mean, this is cool, I don't podcast together. Oh my gosh, it was a while ago. Yeah, oh my god, it was be. It was when the last breakup happened and then I took him back again. That's so funny, do you remember? Because, see, I give people chances.
Speaker 2:You do give people chances because you would want chances too, just because you know you're not perfect, right, I mean?
Speaker 1:I know, I'm not like I'm very forgetting, yeah, and, but that also comes back to bite me in the ass.
Speaker 2:But that's. I think a lot of that is from being married. Yeah, you didn't go through a breakup in your marriage. You went through a death of your husband and so to say he's your ex is wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's not your ex and I still refer to him as my husband Cause he, well you know, well you know kind of still is.
Speaker 2:What do you say, your late husband? No, I just say, husband.
Speaker 1:That makes it sound like you're from like the old victorian, or I say like my husband dot, or I say my husband passed. I always just refer to him as my husband and maybe that like whatever, I don't know whatever. If you have an issue with that, then well, and it's how. I've never heard that that's been a problem. But I also make it very well known like right out the gate, like I'm not gonna like hide right the relationship that I mean my marriage or that. Because how long were you guys married? We were well, we were together since like off and on, since I was like 15 is when it started.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so he's been like more than half your life, yeah like it was like 15 years total yeah, adding up everything so and like we grew a lot.
Speaker 1:But I also like we grew, so I know that like you do grow with someone and things end up being very perfect, like that's what you're supposed to do. But I don't know. Nowadays it's like not like that, it's like everybody's just quick to go find the next new thing, right or get really distracted or like all in, but it's like a facade. Yeah, it's like so fast and then it's like there's something wrong with that, because we're automatic.
Speaker 2:Families too like somebody were to step into your life. That's you're. They're an automatic in an automatic family, like whoa, yeah, which it's funny for me to be able to like date around having my kids, because I don't. I don't want to, really want to meet anybody else's kids right now, like that's too much.
Speaker 1:I don't, oh God, this sounds really bad, but I just think that's a whole nother obstacle I don't want to deal with.
Speaker 2:Right, honestly Well, and it's like I know also part of it, like I don't want to necessarily involve my kids, but I don't like the idea that like if I'm going to go through something, I don't want my kids to have to deal with me they, even though it's like an indirect way from that person. So, yeah, it's a lot to process and to try to like keep those, to keep that healthy mindset of not overthinking, like to just take it slow, like I just tend to overthink so much because I'm trying to avoid any other trauma.
Speaker 2:So, that's been my like protective barrier. It's crazy to me.
Speaker 1:Like I can see it, see, maybe. And I'm like we are opposite but like very similar, because I'm like I'm just gonna go straight into it, fuck it. As soon as I get a red flag, I'll just fucking run, or enough of them, or deal breakers, but I just like blinders, everything's gonna be fine.
Speaker 2:I'll believe everything I hear well, because you also come from a marriage yeah like that was a huge thing for you to like. You guys grew like you grew together.
Speaker 1:You grew up together yeah like to build so many of those strong connections I wonder if I just will never find that again. I mean, there will be nothing ever like that, obviously, but like I don't know if see, and I'm such a romantic, I'm like, I think you will like I think you will find someone, but we get to this age very differently than other people, so we've just had so many similarities.
Speaker 2:I mean, my husband didn't pass away. We divorced, but it was my best friend who passed away and you know she was my person. But it's like and I also don't even look for a friend like that Like I look for pieces of that relationship in others because I also don't want to depend on one person like that again.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, and I have changed so much it's like I wonder if me and luke would even be just. I mean, of course we would, but like I have gone through so much since he's passed his passing, all the things that have happened, like I am a completely different person, and I mean I'm sure we'd still be together because he loved me more than anything.
Speaker 2:But right, but that's what an interesting dynamic there. It's the multiverse, or whatever, but like you wouldn't be this person without him being gone. Right, but would he be okay with you like this Right?
Speaker 1:Because, like I don't, I very much more live like every day to day, to like the I'm very like let's fill with memories and things and experiences and I'm very quick to cut off any negativity. I used to be a lot more forgiving with that right, but it's knowing your own boundaries.
Speaker 1:That's pretty awesome yeah, well, I mean, I don't know how long we have, so why, like exactly? I mean, are you really gonna be unhappy and just right, or just cut it off? And we're adults? It really doesn't fucking matter. Do what's best for you, and who the fuck?
Speaker 2:cares right, be content and happy, like if something's a really a big problem, like it's. I do think there's something to say for like working on a relationship, oh yeah definitely um deal breakers.
Speaker 1:I'm talking about deal breakers like yeah you should like going to like figure out your deal breakers and then things that like yeah, we can work on, like these aren't like you know, and then maybe there's some deal breakers like we can work on or you give another chance, but also know when to lob it off yeah. Yeah, amputate, and run.
Speaker 2:Well, and it's yeah, because it's like cutting it off. So then you don't feel any. You don't need to go through that much more hurt, right.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Because it does Everything. If you have the ability to do that, yeah.
Speaker 1:Then just do it, yeah, which also leads to then just leave it alone.
Speaker 2:Right yeah, because leave it alone. Right yeah, because if you're just going to decide that, great, then you know what, support your own decision and leave it alone. Let the other person live. You know what, so you can live, go live, go live life. Be a part of your own life. Let that person go Like it is okay. There's nothing you can say or do to make them change, because you've already decided, too, that you're not going to be a part of, you're not going to have that relationship anymore. Yeah, okay, great, then be done like walk away from it.
Speaker 2:Yep, there's nothing left yeah, like class is over done, go. You can't. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Like what, what in the world? Like I've never understood that either. Like it's what is the point of? Like just slinging nasty words?
Speaker 2:Like you can be hurt and kind of relieved at the same time. Yeah, like it really is. Like I've always told my kids like your feelings are right, they're confusing sometimes, but they're always right. And like as long as you're not hurting someone, you're totally good. Like you get to be mad, you get to be angry or sad, and sometimes those do happen at the same time. Like it's, it's just part of it, but just don't hurt a person or a thing, because what's the point? Don't bring somebody else down and you're hurt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's yeah, people, people suck be a better human.
Speaker 1:Well, and we and I think sometimes we try and we're just so hurt that we can't think straight yeah but it's also why we have our own network of people to like check in with, like you get a gut check like hey, I just think of this, or whatever and it's just hard also, if you're in a relationship, like if you're able to be in a mature relationship, you should be able to exit your relationship without being, whether you wanted it or not, like just let it be done, like we're adults, we're not teenagers.
Speaker 1:You don't have to bring somebody else down, like just because the relationship is sinking doesn't mean you have to bring down either person it usually will backfire and make you look like a complete idiot and also just reinforce the reasons why you aren't together, right, and I mean, and I've had the it makes it really easy to walk away when you're it's just like wow yeah.
Speaker 2:And sometimes we miss that not even necessarily that person, but someone in that position. We miss that position in our life and sometimes we confuse it.
Speaker 1:I think, yeah, I could definitely, yeah, say that I maybe jumped in a relationship probably too fast because I wanted to, because I've always been married. Yeah, I'm like, I'm a wife, I have a lot you know I need to like. Yeah, I'll date, but that just you know.
Speaker 1:Right, but you do when you don't like it's. We're humans. We want to like be with somebody I don't know. I'm having a great time with me and my children right now, Maybe, maybe out. We need to do with some of these like dating or I don't know. He's like speed dating or something crazy and like report back. Can we do something like that?
Speaker 2:I think that'd be so fun I want to like.
Speaker 1:I want to do this.
Speaker 2:We could like vlog it and everything. I'm not doing anything.
Speaker 1:But I mean not but not for serious so amazing not for serious, just for like jokes like we should get. We should start like a bumble or tinder or something that's like not necessarily real, like there's this. One time in seattle I long time ago I saw this guy was like a pizza. He's like describing his like himself as a pizza, but I'm sure it wasn't a real person. But like I mean, come on, we could just like see what happens and then talk about it on the podcast because it would be hilarious I think it would be funny or we could literally put my pictures and just see what the kind of comments that I get and then word
Speaker 2:that could be a whole funny thing in and of itself. Yeah, well, and if somebody else will sponsor it, we can have them pay for a paid profile.
Speaker 1:Hey, you're welcome to yes, and we'll, uh, we'll give you all the juicy details right is it paid? It paid now.
Speaker 2:I haven't been in this life, you can, I mean, it's been a while since I've been on there. Are they even the?
Speaker 1:same ones anymore. Let's look this up.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:You're so funny. I am like super into Love After Lockup, but I would not date a prisoner. But have you seen how they are like oh my, what I just I the show, I like the show. And then after these people like they date prisoners and there's a whole, there's websites devoted to finding prisoners, I want to know who's putting these prisoners things up, because it's not the prisoners, right? I don't know okay.
Speaker 2:So it's like. I mean, I dated a guy who was like a 14 year.
Speaker 1:He spent 14 years in jail, but you didn't meet him in jail, no, okay. So like these women and some men find people in prison and then like support them. And this one guy he's really short and he like married her in the prison parking lot as soon as she got out. It's really awkward, oh, that she got out. She got out, yeah, and then they've like never been around each other. And then she's like he's old. Ah, and I'm like you knew that when you were writing him, but it's like it's different, right.
Speaker 1:They wouldn't have pictures or anything. Well, I think it's just like they talk about, like you know, it's just prison and so like they just are kind of using these people. I think it's kind of so wild it is, but then I'm like I just it's train wrecks and I can't stop watching.
Speaker 2:That's fair. Started the show. The show, yeah, was to be like, oh, people getting.
Speaker 1:But it was like this. Okay, in the beginning it was way more real. I think now it's more scripted, but I was like it's happening, they're doing that. There was this one girl that just like couldn't stay off bananas and it was yeah, she just couldn't stay.
Speaker 1:Oh, he called his mom. They got married. He called his mom the next day. He's like mom, have you been trying to get ahold of me? And she's like, no, why are you crying? And then he's like motherfucking crack, because she left him for crack, apparently on their wedding night, and took his car and his wallet and his phone.
Speaker 2:The and his wallet and his phone the night that he got married to a person right out of jail. Yes, I think you're just asking for drama in your life, do you like that? I don't.
Speaker 1:I'm not the demo okay, so I mean, I love watching a good train wreck.
Speaker 2:I'm just thinking how can you be that person?
Speaker 1:right, like I want to know. So see, I have questions. I want to interview the person that is writing these prisoners. I feel like this is me being on my I'm super into like psychology stuff.
Speaker 1:I'm like, I want to like pick their brain. I think either they like having that, because they're obviously feeding them lines of you know bullshit from there, like I love you, I want to do all whatever, and they get out. They're completely different. So, like, do they just like the fact that they know where they're at all the time and they're getting showered with all these like that's a good verbal, like affirmations and they're just constantly being flooded with positive letters and, seriously, I think my jaw is dropping like oh my god right I think that's what it is.
Speaker 1:And then they come out and it's like you know, and then they're so shocked it's like, well, yeah, he had nothing to do except call you with the phone calls that you put on there for him. Yeah and yeah, and some of these women like move their kids and family, like it's crazy, it's crazy oh, that is insane yes, oh, this is gonna be a whole rabbit hole we go down, there's a new one starting up. I know I'm just too obsessed on what um it's. What is it?
Speaker 2:I don't even know, tlc is it tlc? Or we tv we I don't know I love. After lockup I canceled we, I canceled my cable, so I have no idea it always pops up on youtube somebody always puts it up. Look on youtube um, it's just always like let's look and see what it's on love after lockup. I mean, it totally sounds like a.
Speaker 1:I mean it's on cable, but it on cable, but it's also, I swear it's like a TLC or WeTV. Is it TLC? It's one of those. It's one of those like it has to be.
Speaker 2:Yes, Anyways it's. It's exactly what it sounds like.
Speaker 1:And the kicker is the inmates don't even get paid for the show Because they're not allowed to get paid for, like, being in. I don't know, it's really funny. So these people are like getting no money, but they're so real and so it's like even more. I don't know. I'm just I can't stop. But I want to do an interview with a few of the ones that, like I want to pick their brain. I want to know what is so appealing about it and it has to be. I am for sure stuck on the that they just really like the words of affection and the letters and they must think that they get a deeper connection because they're talking to them through, like, but they're caught, I mean, they're in jail, right, they're literally held in one place, like what is going on like I mean, if he's been in there like for 10 years, I mean why you think it's gonna just come out and be roses.
Speaker 1:What is appealing about that?
Speaker 2:I don't know like nothing focused on you. I think that's a very good point.
Speaker 1:I think you're onto something, yeah and it is like, because that's not normal, because that's not normal and every day you don't have time um like how, how long were these people locked up?
Speaker 2:for like 10 years, some of them were like 10.
Speaker 1:So like this one guy. So the one girl um, it's indian harry, they're on this season so she moves her kid. She's like they're spiritually married. She saw him on tiktok because he did a tiktok video. Ended up like moving all this stuff. Um, he had been in prison for like since he was like 16 and he was like 24. So some of these are like going as kids. Yeah, oh, I think. Yeah, it went into 16 or 15 or something like that and comes out like a 24 and so he's still acting like a 15 year old.
Speaker 2:So obviously, like left her right away all that kind of stuff there is. There is literally an arrested development. Like they stop, they don't mature more.
Speaker 1:No, like they, or it's at a very, very slow pace well, and I mean that's not an environment that, like you're gonna mature in at all no, it's not like you're getting socialized in jail, I just thought yeah, I'm always like I can't prison and they're surprised that's happening.
Speaker 2:Right, they should not be surprised. No, that is so wild. I feel like my life is so much better.
Speaker 1:There was this one girl that got in a car accident. It was last season and she spent like $80,000 on this guy and she never even saw him outside of prison because she left him because she found out that he was giving the money that she gave him to another girl oh good was paying the other girl's court fee so she didn't have to go to jail they're even lying in jail yes that's obnoxious, it's annoying it just, you know just don't like have standards.
Speaker 2:Maybe not okay, send money to a guy in jail so resilient, do not.
Speaker 1:So psa um cul-de-sac-ing, but don't look on the prisoner web. That's not a good place to find. No, okay, I was getting my hair done to me and sarah, she's like there's a what I'm like, I don't know I want to look it up. So we looked it up and we were scrolling through the women and they have pictures of them. So they have like regular pictures, sometimes just their mug shots, and then it tells like what they do and stuff and like or what happened to yeah some of them they were convicted of yeah, and I was like, oh look at, she just must be in there, and it's like murder.
Speaker 1:And everyone that I thought was like, oh look, she must be a big deal murder woman, but each one of them was like I'm in here waiting for my arraignment or whatever Not arraignment, you know she's not guilty, or whatever and I was like how can I just keep picking out the murderers?
Speaker 2:Maybe there's a clue. Maybe you don't know how to pick them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that could be. I'm like oh look, that person looks nice by that picture. Oh murder.
Speaker 2:I'd have coffee with her. She could be my friend, friend I was dying.
Speaker 1:I was dying. It was so funny. There's a lot of female murderers.
Speaker 2:You're also not gonna look at a crackhead meth dealer, meth user like you're not gonna go.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, it was like all the pretty normal ones were in there for murder. As women snapped, I mean, I get it not submissible in no I mean, like I understand, remember, like worst case I can go there, I get it, I definitely yeah well, and especially dealing with lying or anything you kind of understand it's just so like crazy. I just don't understand, like I just don't get it. No, I think it's because we just don't can't do that'm like I can't.
Speaker 2:Well, and I'm such a person to just walk away Like why would you not I?
Speaker 2:get. You know, I get confused, I take things the wrong way, I can be sensitive, whatever, but I would rather just let something settle, like even in my own head, like maybe they didn't actually mean what they meant, like I'm not ever there to give somebody else a lesson no, no, not your mom but to like take it in and go. Okay, let me process it for a minute, because clearly something is not connecting, and whether it's trauma, whether it's you know whatever, but you're still trying to like, if you're still there, to like fight for the relationship, not fight each other.
Speaker 1:I think that, think that's what's important yeah, like growing together on the same team, not fighting against each other, yeah, or it's not gonna work. I think that's yeah, because it's the fighting fair thing and it's tough. Yeah, I think I just learned that one kind of earlier on with luke I mean, see, I've been married, so it's like I learned I got. I got all that stuff out of the way.
Speaker 2:I learned how to fight previously.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I used to not be good at that. No, I learned that like words are not like I won't Like unless like I won't I mean I'm sure I was like asshole and stuff like that Like I'm a douchebag but like are you being a dick? But but like I won't say hurtful things because I can never take them back and that person will always remember that. Yeah, and then it's really hard to, when you love them again or when you want to try to work on things, for you to forget that and them to forget that.
Speaker 1:So absolutely I've just like never I just been a thing that I stopped doing, like with Luke mostly. You know, we grew up young, we used to fight, um, and I just it made things so much better, which is huge. And it's also like those are not productive things to say, right, and they're not fucking true.
Speaker 2:Usually, half the time you're just saying it to be like yeah, cause you're hurting, so you want them to hurt and it's like obviously that's not let's grow up and stop being five. Anyways, I'm off. Stop being five, stop being five.
Speaker 1:Uh, one told to act like an adult and I meant like don't act like a kid, but I'm like I told him to act like an adult. Yeah, I'm like I didn't say that backwards.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think too, actually in a fight, being able to say you know what you're right like, to actually say you're right, be like oh my gosh, thank you like, and not do it sarcastically, because obviously that's not fun either I just realized that I sucked on this like I'm drinking a smoothie and I probably just made this awful noise Did you know it was horrible. No, no, no, no, no, you're fine. Okay, it was horrible. No, it was, it wasn't Okay. I'm like it wasn't horrible.
Speaker 1:I realize I probably just like okay, Anyways, sorry.
Speaker 2:You're good, um, but I think being able to say that like thank, like kind of thank you for pointing that out, that isn't like that is a flaw in me. I am wrong and because I've done that like and I'm okay to be wrong Like, thank you for pointing that out, because I do not want to have that chain of events.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or and just like. I mean even just being. Usually it's totally not what you meant, like you know just like open communication, like that really sucked, didn't really feel very whatever. Like Like getting clarification and communication instead of like stuffing it and letting things fester when you're usually probably okay. I find the overthinking is usually wrong or the thoughts that you don't like. It's usually wrong. Right, you're usually really wrong. And you're like making yourself crazy over nothing.
Speaker 2:Well, and it's like, why would they do that to me? I asked them not to make fun of me or whatever. And then so in a situation when you're kind of have your guard up for that, you kind of take anything. That in that situation, like if you're, if you are looking for something, you're going to find something kind of a type of an attitude, and when the truth could be something totally different, like it just and it is hard, like it's it's trusting, it's allowing yourself to let that person be close, and that can really suck. It's vulnerable.
Speaker 1:And at the end of the day, you can always leave. See, I'm pessimistic today and you're optimistic, You're like you can grow and work on things, and I'm like and when that doesn't work you shut that fucking door. I actually really like this. I'm like, and then you just are done right, oh, it's so good oh, I love it well and it's nice to actually be.
Speaker 2:I mean, I'm in a place where I feel like I'm in a pretty dang healthy relationship. It's still very cocooned, like I still want to keep it private, like that's fine, but at the same time it's like I know I have faults, I know there's things that I mess up on, and uh, none of us are perfect and we are always growing that's the amazing thing, and to have it be accepted is great and like loved for like, oh like not treated like shit because you're not fucking perfect right and then acceptance.
Speaker 2:That is also yeah that's so.
Speaker 1:That's weird to me. Like I, if I love a person, I am not gonna like make them feel bad about you should be able to bring it up with love, yeah, and also bring it up in a productive way. And if you don't know how, ask, ask how would you?
Speaker 1:like me to direct comments that I think we need. You know what is a safe space, that I can come to you and share things that might not be wonderful for you to hear, but I'm coming. I mean, you can't just be like you, like yeah, like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Right, you do this or you do that, I don't know. Well, and I've had it to where I know. It's like how do you want me to support you in this? Do you want me to just listen? Do you need to get something out? Yeah, because sometimes you just want to vent. Yep, like that's okay. Do you want me to do? You want me to have a conversation with you? Do you want me to help you try to fix it? But yeah, like, just getting it out, it can. That can be a form of therapy in itself is just saying something out of your own mouth, with your own words, to someone else, just so somebody's's there. So you're like am I crazy?
Speaker 2:You know and the answer could be yes, but just getting it out Sometimes. Yes, Sometimes, how are we on time with this too? I'm like we're oh, my goodness, we have 15 minutes. I'm good Keeping us right on track. I like this.
Speaker 1:It's good. This is really. This is really good. Why, oh, did we ever do? We didn't do red flags we did not okay. So I want to hear we'll do like stages. Okay, so our top three red flags, when you are, we'll take it way back. So, like dating app wise, what are you gonna? So you see their profile, what are, oh, what's your number? One thing that if you see you're gonna be like nope.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, um, if they're not smiling, oh see, I'm like, I want to see their face, oh, yes, smiling. So no sunglasses If there's not a picture without sunglasses or a smile, because I don't want to have them smile and have one too. Sorry, without sunglasses or a smile, because I don't want to have a smile and have one too sorry, oh god, yes, okay, see, mine were like because my red flags okay.
Speaker 1:I'll just branch off of that like, if you can't be like a, you know guys like cigarette hanging out beer in your hand yep, no, okay, like automatically. Any smoke thing never gonna happen yeah, it's disgusting exactly um also yeah, like if, and the actively quitting smoking.
Speaker 2:No, you're not, you're just trying to do that so you can get laid, yeah no, gross, that's never that, that's hard hard.
Speaker 1:No, um, but yeah like no, no, super douchey shirt off right gym pick. If there's one that says me right, well, but if there's like one picture with your shirt off.
Speaker 2:Good for you? You, yeah, absolutely. But if they're all that way, do you own any shirts? Are you homeless? Like what are we talking about here? Like it's crazy, right, right.
Speaker 1:Okay, if they're all hunting ones, oh yeah, really, or fishing ones.
Speaker 2:I am so glad that you know how to fish and I get that. Guys don't take many pictures of themselves Other than when they're super excited about a fish.
Speaker 1:congratulations, take a selfie I remember the one time I was on a dating app that was like uh, I mean, I think it was for the, the other podcast, um, we did it for just laughing hysterically. And there was so many because lacy was like they're all guys with fish. I mean, we are north idaho ish area, but and it was, oh gosh, we died and laughing. I don't need that in my life.
Speaker 2:No, I'm. If somebody wants to go on a hunting trip and you need to have your guide time, love it yeah take it, do it, we'll go to mexico. Yeah I, I support you 100. However, like like, I'm not a camper I will.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I will camp in like in insert. Like priest, I'll camp. I camped at the gorge. It has to be like in a camper, I mean in a tent, yeah, in a tent. I grew up in North Idaho. Well, I mean, I've been in a tent. Tents aren't bad, you know, cabin tent you stand up.
Speaker 2:I'm older Like a big tall tent.
Speaker 1:Well, I have an air mattress. I have an air mattress. Yeah, and then it will. For the gorgeous sleep in the car, put all the seats down, put an air mattress in the back, oh for sure. Because then it's like you're usually at a concert, it's, you know, adult time. So it's like so we're gonna bring our camper I'm like sweet, that sounds great but see, I'm just resourceful, I'm like it's me, I can do that. It's fine. So it's like paddle boarding. I have paddle boarding adventures, I'm gonna go back to lake diablo like'm going to just like there's a campground right there.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to do that because there's nothing anywhere close.
Speaker 2:How many days are you staying?
Speaker 1:there, like just like a couple, just like one, like I mean just like move it, not like a long time, okay, not like a week or something.
Speaker 2:I need be two days, okay. And even at the gorge we had a shower because I was in the like, the like, the vip camp. Yeah, so we're like terrorists I'm like, yes, I have.
Speaker 1:I did one time my very first festival. I was in the fucking thunderdome of general admission camping where there was people it was tent population it was tent on tent and everybody's fucked up, and there was like oh, it was hammered.
Speaker 2:They're high.
Speaker 1:Yes, and they were so drunk by, or everybody was like drunk and wasted by day one, yeah. But I don't even remember like people were just passed out like for like the net, like the actual like party this time was great. Like people that were in the terrace like were way more chill, the older people oh, because they're also paying more.
Speaker 2:Yes, right, and it was like way more chill.
Speaker 1:I mean, there were some people down below that were like that was fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, go, do that. Go be fine. I was like look at them down there, look at those, what they're doing, like what brought us right here? What?
Speaker 1:what rabbit hole I have no idea.
Speaker 2:Oh, concerts, camping it was camping it was.
Speaker 1:I love. I love this um yeah to have.
Speaker 2:If that's all your pictures. Is you camping? That doesn't fit my lifestyle.
Speaker 1:No I mean, I like outdoors hiking stuff, hike that too. But like, are you well-rounded or is that all you do?
Speaker 2:right, I need some like, and if a guy doesn't have his own life, I'm not okay with that. Like, I have my own life, I have my own schedule. I would love to include somebody integrated into my life, into theirs. I'm totally going to, I'm willing to compromise on so many things. I mean, but at the same time I'm also not.
Speaker 1:I've done that so much and then I feel like I just lost time, that I could have worked on things for myself I mean I guess it doesn't work out.
Speaker 2:You know it doesn't work out. So it's like this is where my conclusion then goes back to well, and it's trying to figure out when is a good time to say done yes which is nobody else can tell you obviously yeah, it has to be like the right timing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. No, integrating is good, though you do have to like see if you can mesh, and it is.
Speaker 2:It's like both have to give, both have to give, and I think that's so huge. And sometimes it's just keeping that glacial pace, like going super slow, because you know what's the point. Like I want to make sure that I don't just have rose-colored glasses on in this, like that's. Or my partner, like I don't want to do that on that side either. So it's like okay, do we really, do we just want somebody there, or is this really?
Speaker 1:yes, because that's not going to work if it's like a codependent. I've noticed that they're rushing really fast. Then really clingy, need, needy, the not having their own, the love bombing. Yeah, it feels so fun Like it does Like euphoric high Like oh my gosh, that's like it's my happily ever after, it's like that's fucking tinfoil yeah.
Speaker 2:That was what that shiny shit was you're better off with concrete. It stinks. I'm like I would. I'm starting with concrete like slowly curing concrete.
Speaker 1:It's the hope the hope. Yeah, okay, so we went from tinder like a tinderish profile like what, yeah, what else you now? Okay. So we said those red flags okay, date, you're on a date now. They made it past that screening.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:You're at the date. What are they going to do that? You're going to be like texting me to call you and to tell you that I'm dying.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:So if they're on their phone the whole time, oh, like legit, um, because I would say, hey, I've got to go to the bathroom and I would take my phone and text you. Oh, yes. And then one thing I want okay, so I didn't realize this, but I always put my phone face down when I'm talking to someone. Oh, yeah, as a sign of like respect oh, but that comes across as hiding people.
Speaker 2:You don't want somebody else to see it, right?
Speaker 1:I want you to see it right and so like I have and that's only been in like a partner relationship. But I I've always learned business wise, like if I'm in a meeting I'm going to show you I'm paying full attention by not having any distractions, because when my phone's like this, I'm going to glance at it Absolutely. So if it's down I can't see that. So for me that's showing. So I in the somebody that I had dated was like oh, you keep your phone down.
Speaker 2:That's right. I'm like what I do that as a sign of like respect, so that was something that had been brought mine away. Okay, I totally put mine like in my purse, like it's gone, like I'm not even, like it's not even there, like doesn't even have a chance to do anything, because when I am dating someone when they're very important to me, they're they have emergency bypass. Oh well, isn't that so like I want to know when they're calling.
Speaker 2:I want to know when they need me, because I would rather have somebody show me their true colors up front. Yeah, then wait which is hard and, like I've been told, I give enough rope so somebody can hang themselves yeah, god, what a horrible analogy.
Speaker 1:Well, that's good, though, because you're not gonna like handle someone through taking care of you in a relationship like they should be able to fulfill.
Speaker 2:You know, it's just I want them to act. Natural, however, they would act, or have the time to, like figure out how they would act, so then I can decide if I want to even put that in my life. Yeah and I don't. Maybe that's a defense mechanism, maybe not, but I don't want someone to, for you know, to feel like they have to do something different than who they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, and you shouldn't have to. That's like I don't know, that's like you just shouldn't have to, or it will never work. Right, I'm always like my authentic self.
Speaker 2:I'm just like here.
Speaker 1:I am. If you don't like me, that's fine yeah.
Speaker 2:Like I love getting flowers, I don't have to have them all the time but, I also give flowers and that may sound like the weirdest thing, but I think a guy getting flowers yeah.
Speaker 1:Why not?
Speaker 2:Why not? Yes, they're going to die whatever.
Speaker 1:But they're so pretty, though, just to have it like it's nice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to have in the kitchen, whatever I get to enjoy them too. Yeah, exactly, are they for me? Not necessarily because I'm going to leave them somewhere for someone else, but it's like, and whatever they do with them, that's their choice. Because a gift is a gift, like fine, because I've heard that there was something I saw I think it might have even been on TikTok Like what's the equivalent of flowers for a woman? Well, not every woman, not every person, receives gifts the same.
Speaker 2:So, and if I, as long as they're heartfelt and they're actually an effort in them, whatever it is, I love it, even if it's something like I've done it, where you don't know what to give somebody as a gift, so you give them one of your favorite things Like hey, this means something to me, literally the thought that counts, and it's like thank God Because in my marriage a thought that counts and it's like thank god because in my marriage I had asked for flowers and I only got them when we were finally in marriage counseling.
Speaker 1:Oh see, luke always spoiled me with flowers. He got me like those roses that I drive, but multiple ones that were like the, the colored ones with my boob just move too much. Um always like the most beautiful flowers.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't get them. I even had a boyfriend. It was years ago, four or five years ago.
Speaker 2:Five years ago I don't know, oh my gosh, um, but literally on valentine's morning he gets up, leaves, he's gone for 15, 20 minutes, comes back with chocolates and flowers and I'm like, what are you doing? Well, it was really funny. You would have thought it was so funny, all the guys trying to figure out which flowers to get. I'm like it is super funny. Except for one of them was my boyfriend like what are you doing? Like then don't get it. Then like I don't I and I don't need it if I'm gonna have like a special weekend trip with you.
Speaker 1:Amazing yeah, that can count as flowers. I love like memories, experiences, like just planning something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, date I mean, I like flowers too yeah, well, and to have flowers when you get there or something, yeah or just like to have it unexpected, like I saw these and thought of you yes, like it doesn't have to be, like it doesn't have to be, I feel guilty or I don't know.
Speaker 1:If, like you know or I, fucked up, do you never? Okay, men and women too, don't send flowers after you fuck up, because then it will always bring up. Did they do something?
Speaker 2:why am I getting flowers? Right right, is this always a like an apology thing? Yeah, so that's weird yeah I mean because I have a good friend that she likes jewelry, that's, she would rather wait, like save five valentineses and then get a good piece of jewelry, oh yeah, so that's her thing okay, I like that no doesn't want flowers, don't bring them in the house.
Speaker 2:Jewelry, and I love that. But she can verbalize that too and it's like oh yeah, it's, you know, and if you're not gonna buy me jewelry, I'll buy me myself jewelry for Christmas yeah, like it's fine, I like that.
Speaker 1:So I'm like, yeah, I was so, gifts for me, because I always buy everything I want anyways. Yeah, it's like you know, it is more like oh, here's like concert tickets for me or like things I want to spend time with the other person. I mean, I buy stuff anyways all the time. I feel like tangible things like that.
Speaker 2:It's just you know, yeah, you can fulfill your needs.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, whatever it's on the grocery list, that's fine, I'm going to the store anyway.
Speaker 1:I think it comes down to thoughtfulness. Yes, and it's that effort, yes. So like when I know, opening the car door, that would be something. Or opening the door, yeah, like basic yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm going to be very oh, that's yes, that's nice. Um, I'm going to be very like somewhat shallow ish. The shoes thing, the shoes thing, it's like a metaphor for life. I feel like if your shoes, you can have sweats and a tank top on, but if you have nice shoes're gonna be pulled together. You cannot be wearing, and the nicest suit in the world with shitty shoes.
Speaker 2:no, so it's like you just and I mean, and you don't have to have 500 pairs no, and you don't have six good pairs of shoes and they don't have to be like just nice not yes clean.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can go to target, like I mean, it doesn't just clean that. There's just a thing about your it's the shoes.
Speaker 2:It says a lot, yes yes, yeah that, yeah, that's a very, it's a good indicating factor. It is, and I do have like if somebody has to be nice.
Speaker 1:I think I've always just said this you think I'm enamoring across somebody where I'm like, oh, I can't, but it's just like that's the one thing. I think it's something that means. It means something to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I need somebody to be nice and to be funny without being defensive, because, being a comedian myself, like I am not in a competition to be funnier than anybody else, I'm not always on stage. It does not always have to be a joke Like I've even gotten that where guys have reached back out to me and like, hey, how's it going? I'm like, thank you, actually I'm seeing someone maybe it was a false start, whatever, but I'm seeing someone. You know, take care, because I've responded Like I don't want them to continually message me, so I'll do that and, yes, I could block them, but I don't know, I'm not much of a blocker.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you only get my block list, if you deserve it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's gonna be something good. Yeah, right, yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know about all of that so well, and then.
Speaker 2:so then it's like oh well, no, I was just calling for a hookup. Um, best of luck. Oh, can't you take a joke?
Speaker 1:that wasn't a joke.
Speaker 2:That's not a joke and ew never hooked up with you anyway, so why would you call for what like?
Speaker 1:it's so weird to me we have a couple minutes left. I do think that we should start like isn't there a thing about? Like? Isn't there a website that you can? Like post your exes and like why you weren't with them. For future women to know the help, I'm gonna write a review I think it would be so perfect.
Speaker 2:It was well, and I get that there's personal experience and how you deal with someone, like whatever, but it's like there needs to be some sort of like a scale or something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or like can you write in different areas, like be carfax sexual.
Speaker 2:There needs to be a carfax for emotional.
Speaker 1:How long?
Speaker 2:since our last relationship.
Speaker 1:Yes, how long like how many accidents has it been in right? How many?
Speaker 2:miles are on this oh how much trauma comes with, you know right like, because I can be patient and I understand like you, and I could be more patient than the next girl, for sure. However, if somebody isn't willing to work on that, then what's the point?
Speaker 2:yeah, there's none and there's no roadmap. Like you and I both get that after trauma, Like. But if you can't be patient with yourself and you're not going to look into it at the pace that you're ready for too Because I know that she says that in that happy days- yeah. Abby says it and it's like at the pace you're ready, because if you dive in too quickly you're going to throw yourself into a depression.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just too much. Just deal with it, cause you've been protecting it for so long, absolutely yeah, no, I definitely resonate with like just being in with her, talking about like dissociating, like it's really easy to do just running through life, hitting all your like tasks. It's really easy to just be like autopilot, do all the things you feel productive.
Speaker 1:You're achieving, you're a positive influence in the world, but you have like numbed yourself, feeling wise yeah, just from your schedule, yeah exactly, and then you're just like exhausted, you have nothing to do well, but go to sleep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it takes down the resiliency because, then you're like not coping well with everything right and then you want to make bad decisions right, yeah, because you're like want to test the world and see how that works and it never turns out good, but sometimes yeah, you're like sometimes that was some optimism from you that's amazing sometimes, sometimes, sometimes eventually.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there we are, I mean. So that's kind of resiliency, some red flags. We've been touched a little on dating yeah, there was kind of in our little wrap-up like our tandem, yes, our tandem podcast, tandem podcast I love it um widowed mess and welcome to the wild I love it converging forces.
Speaker 1:Well, there'll be another, another one of these. Oh yeah, tandem part two. We might have less cul-de-sacs, we might not I like I, like them. I think they're fun, they're very relevant relevant Absolutely and I'm going to do some more research on this love after lockup. Let's see if we can find some interesting. Apparently the prisoners are using TikTok now that is bananas. I want to know how Right, so I'll have more information on that. It's so good, all right. Bye everyone. We'll see you next week. Bye.
